This morning I looked at my toothpaste and it proudly declared itself Pro Expert.
Pro Expert what? Who exactly are these mythical pro-level tooth-brushers? Is there an Olympic event where stern men in white coats award medals for “Best Swish ’n’ Spit”? Are there underground guilds of molar-knights, training in secret caves with giant teeth carved into the walls? Because as far as I can tell, the rest of us are all amateurs with the same up-and-down wrist flick.
Dentists don’t have secret moves. They brush exactly the same way you do — they just have brighter lights and more judgement in their eyes. There isn’t a Hogwarts for plaque removal. No ancient scrolls of gum-line wizardry. No “Tooth Sensei.”
And yet, look at the toothpaste aisle: Advanced Complete, Total Ultra Whitening, Extreme Plaque Defence 9000. At this rate the next one will be called Colgate: Endgame.
Here’s the truth: toothpaste is just minty goo designed to stop your mouth smelling like bin juice. That’s it. Everything else is a placebo sprinkled with marketing dust. The only Pro Experts are the people in charge of naming this stuff, and they’re brushing you for cash.